Toadly Insane

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Or in my case which came first, being married to an addict or acting crazy?

Was I crazy before I chose this very dysfunctional man to share my life with or did all his addict behavior make me insane?

I know I was a relatively healthy individual in my first marriage. My "saintly" first husband was happy and easy going. Sure we had some problems, I guess, I think a symptom of widowhood is that we get amnesia to anything that may have been negative and only remember all the wonderful things about our deceased spouse.

But honestly I don't remember needing antidepressants, or anxiety meds to get me through the day. I don't remember yelling names at him and having fantasies of wanting to kill him. I don't remember sharing my home with 14 animals~ I don't remember living in a house that is half painted on the inside and out. I don't remember worrying about living paycheck to paycheck even though we were in our twenties and not the mature age of being in our forties. I don't remember waking up in the morning afraid that he would find a list of things to blame me for. I don't remember being afraid that his behavior seems just a bit off, his eyes seem a little red, or he is slurring his words.

So this morning I was afraid. He was acting very moody and my defenses start to kick in. It's been 7 years and it's a habit that dies hard. So I started to act as he would say "crazy"....oh and he did say it, over and over again, he told me how crazy I am.

I hate him for that. I hate him because if I am the way I am now I blame him. He doesn't see how absolutely terrified I am of him using again, or even if he doesn't use he still can be capable of being the same asshole he was when he was using. I don't want that asshole back in my life. I want him away because I truly fear that if I have to go through this addict shit again I will become certifiably nuts.