Loving Recovering

H0PE

2009-06-27T00:19:00.002-04:00

hope, I hope with all my soul that my husband stays sober. Sobriety has been a long road but today he is in recovery. He is in recovery and doing remarkable. Someone recently told me that I am lucky to be married to an addict in recovery because they are always practicing how to become a better person, they have self awareness. I agree....

hope, there was a time I didn't have any. If anyone reads this post who is in the midst of addiction, know there is hope. My husband is living proof. However, I must always remember we live one day at a time. So today he is sober, today was good.

Thank you

2009-05-17T08:32:00.004-04:00

Thank you Bill W. and Dr. Bob.

It is because of you that I have my husband back.

For anyone out there who may stumble across my blog, I want this to give you hope. My husband is a recovered drug addict/alcoholic. He should've been dead from all the things he did in the past. But he's here, laying in bed, annoying me because I want to start the day, but I'm grateful, he's here, he's in recovery and life is kind of good....

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

2009-04-21T20:59:00.005-04:00

Michael Thomas Esposito

April 30 1969

April 29 1999

IHateYouVeryMuch ~ arguing with an addict

2009-03-23T18:55:00.004-04:00

Above is the test message I just received from my husband.

Too bad strangling my husband is not an option...

Oh but wouldn't that be so much easier than trying to make my point to him without arguing.

Not that arguing is so awful. Arguing with an addict, albeit in recovery is useless. There is no winning, no matter how ridiculously wrong he is.

Tactics that I've become way too familiar with:

1. Lying. No matter how obvious, he will try this one. It's old habit by now. If he feels guilty about something, he will do his best to get out of it with a simple lie.

2. I'm overreacting. It doesn't matter how hurt I am by his actions, my reaction is out of proportion.

3. Attack. If defense isn't working he launches into attack mode. The best defense is always a good offense. I used to react to this, it makes me want to weep all the wasted energy I put into defending myself against the ridiculous accusations. I'm positive every codie recognized themselves in this one~

4. How dare I ruin his day, night, week, life...etc. He was having a good one until I bought up my dissapointment in him.

5. I'm crazy. When all else fails this is the one that used to work best to his advantage.

6. Manipulation. He hates me. Well, there was a time I couldn't stand the thought of this, but now I recognize it for what it is.

All I really want out of all this is for me to tell him what he has done that I find hurtful and for him to take ownership of his actions.

Here is a list of what I asked my husband to do today.

Pick up the dog meds at the vet
Bring in the birdcage that is thrown on the side of the house (a real eyesore)
Finish cleaning his closet (he attempted this yesterday but never finished)
Mow the lawn (It hasn't been mowed in weeks)

What he accomplished.....

None of the above.

So I'm hurt and dissapointed. He went to meet his sponsor, went to a meeting, then met with his sponsoree. All good things, however, I need him to take care of his own responsibilities. I take care of mine. A house does not run itself. Simple.

But what I got back was...

1. Lies...the vet couldn't put the meds together unless I called. LIE.

2. I don't do what I'm responsible for. I forgot that I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, washed the sheets, made the bed, cleaned the bird cages, cleaned the litter box, and paid the bills...including his credit card debt that he avoids~

3. Why are you doing this to me? I don't get this....it seems to me he does this to himself.

4. I work all week.....this is my absolute favorite. I don't even know how to respond I'm so amazed that this is an explanation anyone would come up with.

5. And finally, IHateYouVeryMuch.

6. I'm sure later I will be told I am crazy~ can't wait for him to get home tonight:) oh Joy, the good times ahead.

I thought this craziness ended with the end of the drug use. For the most part it had, but today it reared it's ugly head. He fucks up, he does his absolute best not to take responsibility.

So for now, IHateHimVeryMuch as well.....

Peace

2009-03-18T19:36:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time.

My life has something new that I am learning to adjust to. Peace.

I feel like I've spent the last 13 years of my life in a constant state of panic. My mind never was quiet. NEVER. I'm amazed at this realization.

From the first moment I whispered the word Cancer, and I did whisper it, I couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud, my life became a whirlwind, never quiet, never peaceful, never still.

From that moment, the moment that I got a telephone call that my husband had a pain in his chest and drove himself to the emergency room, I have not been able to be in quiet. Noise became my comfort.

If it was noisy enough I was not able to go there. Go to the scary place in my head filled with all the fear of what was to come and filled today with all the fear that was. My memories are sometimes very ugly, Cancer is ugly.

Today I can somewhat tolerate quiet, it's getting easier.

My life has become quiet. No drama today, not lately. My memories of my first husband are still very painful, but I torture myself less. My second husband is sober and in recovery and doing amazingly well. Today.

I don't have to save anyone today.

It's quiet. And it's different, very different for a codie, and change don't come easy, but I think I like this.

Do Blondes Have More Fun?

2009-01-10T08:42:00.004-05:00

I had an appointment at 10am this morning to go from blonde to brunette. The appointment was cancelled because the colorist is sick but my very demanding friend inisisted she come in anyway to do our hair since we made the appointment a month ago....

So either the colorist will be there at 2 or perhaps I'll remain blonde for at least another day.

I'm not sure which scenerio I would like to play out.

I've been a blonde my entire life. When I was 19 the color started to come from a bottle.

I don't have any idea why I'm doing this except my friend and I have been talking about it forever and we just dialed the phone a month ago and made the appointment.

I think my main reason is that I don't want to look like a typical South Floridian, white hair, dark tan (usually accompanied by many wrinkles, with the focus being taken off by the large diamonds)....low cut blouse with lots of cleavage, lots of sparkle on every article of clothing and a big designer bag...seriously I hope I didn't offend anyone but go visit Town Square Mall in Boca one day if you don't believe me.

My friend laughs when I say this because I'm white as a ghost, a prude with the way I dress, I own one designer bag, but my rock (my engagement ring) isn't too shabby....hubby did well in that department, so I can kindof fit in without being laughed out of Saks.

It's time for a change. Hubby is excited because he get's to sleep with a brunette and not feel like he's cheating on his wife. Men!!

I have had a lot of fun in my life being blonde, but I'm confident my days of brunette ahead aren't going to be that uneventful~ who knows?

It's all about recovery (him)

2009-01-04T09:27:00.003-05:00

I know a lot of people may feel angered by this post. Perhaps if you are married to someone in recovery who has put you through a lot of shit during his using you may have some understanding of my current situation.

Life seems to have become all about him. The first year it was all new and it was all consuming for us both. Now I'm tired and I want some normalcy back in my life.

Yes he is an addict and AA does teach him it is "all about his recovery"....well where the hell do I fit in anymore. I want a husband, not someone who is "all about his recovery". I am finding it to be a very selfish existence on his part. And I guess he feels validated because that's what he is being constantly told. His sobriety comes first.

Where the hell do I fit in? It's all about his work and his computer and his meetings. We have one day a week to spend together and we have to do it "around" his meeting...which is at 12 pm....smack in the middle of the day. His selfish addictly behavior also has him wanting to rest after working all week, so mornings are out, and when he gets home from his meeting he needs to sit and eat and read and write on the computer.

He has lost all focus on the rest of our lives. He doesn't seem to give a damn about his house. We would live like trash if it wasn't for me and he doesn't even appreciate it. It's the entitled addictly behavior, everyone do for him....

I am so angry at him. I'm done living the life of married to an addict. I want a somewhat normal life. I want a partner who isn't all about himself.

So it's Sunday morning and he is still sleeping and when he wakes he will want to go on the computer and rest before he leaves at 11:30, only to appear again at 1:30 hungry wondering why there is no food in the house? Tomorrow on his day off (he works Tues-Saturday) he will also only think about himself, not about us...US....does he even remember there is an US?

TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL ~ THAT IS THE QUESTION

2008-12-25T13:06:00.003-05:00

OK, I was depressed, and stressed...there was a lot going on. Layoffs at work mostly was bothering me, daily life with an addict (even one in recovery) and there were family gatherings and flights to New York....It seemed I wasn't handling it all that great.

Along comes the magic anti-depressant pill!!!! Also in my book the anti-feeling pill, the anti-sex pill, the anti-will power pill...the eat all you possibly can shove in your face pill and then have no energy pill so your life consists of empty smiles and politeness, stress schmess, and a big fat belly that no longer fits into any pants in your wardrobe pill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aprroximately 5-10 pounds later....I quit taking the damn anti-depressant. I didn't tell anyone. Thought no one would notice.

So I've been a bit more difficult to work with~scaring my coworker just a tad the other morning. But I have been more fun to go to breakfast and lunch with...making my just a tad obese boss not feel too bad about himself while others are munching their celery sticks we were bonding over the cookies!!

OK, the fit of laughter watching two Woody Allen movies last week felt damn good, haven't laughed that hard since starting the anti-depressant, anti-feeling fucking pill.

On the other hand I hadn't cried so hard in a long while as I did while watching some more old movies, Missing, Prelude to a Kiss and the ending to Annie Hall.

Yesterday I screamed at Mr. Addicted Rantings because he crumpled up all the laundry. Mind you I'm sure all of you who are married would also be a bit enraged at a 40 year old's lack of skill when it comes to the art of folding your wifes clothes instead of balling them up on of all places the middle of the living room in a wrinkled uncaring mess. I screamed and screamed and screamed until I thought I would rupture something in my throat. I could have murdered my husband over laundry.

So Mr. Addicted Rantings now works as an adjunct therapist and speaking with all his coworker therapist types came to the brilliant conclusion it may not be about the laundry.

Heck no, it's about Christmas and death that really was getting to me...........laundry was just symbolic of the lack of control I have, the crumpled up mess in the middle of my life.

So Mr. Addicted Rantings has a cure for all this emotion. The amazing anti-Loving Recovering pill...the pill that turns me into a stepford wife.............happy with crumpled laundry and Christmas and death~

Denial is Better

2008-12-25T12:24:00.004-05:00

Hey denial isn't so bad. Reality is what sucks.

So I am choosing to stick my head back in the sand and live life in the reality of my own choosing.

My husband's sponsor, my angel from heaven is perfect in every way. The same goes for his wife. I often say I don't envy anyone...I think this is a gift because I don't waste too much energy wanting what others have but when it comes to my husband's sponsor and his wife I am super envious.

In my version of reality they are perfect. They are my inspiration and strength and I need them to be who I want them to be. So I'm choosing to deny what is right in front of me and go on living my life without any fear because my husband's sponsor who is perfect will keep my husband sober.

I no longer need to be the typical codie who thinks it's all up to her to keep her husband sober, I've been given the gift of the "sponsor".....as long as he is perfect, life goes on the way I like it to go on.

Reality sucks. Reality is my husband's sponsor and his wife are human~not only are they human but they are Mr. addict and Mrs. codependent....this is not who I want them to be. They are supposed to be RECOVERED....addiction is not supposed to be an ongoing disease. My husband and his sponsor are supposed to be CURED in my denial world.

Back to reality world, my husband's sponsor used. He used, she went into denial and off they went into addict, codie world....

He used, he was using when I wrote my most beautiful post about him getting his three year medallion and giving my husband his one year medallion. He was using that day, that day I was sitting in my best state of denial, the one where there is a happy ending to all this addict crap.

He shit all over my fantasy.....

I'm staying put in my denial, my head is in the sand....each time Mr. Addicted Rantings wants to talk about what to do about getting a new sponsor I tell him to leave me out of this. This is not where I choose to go and I am very good, almost amazingly good and not going where I don't want to go in my head.....

We saw the sponsor and his wife for a pre holiday get together. They are wonderful, amazing, beautiful people and I still admire who they are. They didn't let me down, it's not about me....it's about this dreadful disease of addiction.

And the reality folks is that relapses do occur. Denial definitely beats that reality.

It was Christmas 1999

2008-12-25T11:33:00.006-05:00

She's an old girl now.

I'm going to tell a story that my husband can no longer hear....it makes him cringe because I've told it to him so many times.

It begins like this and if Mr. Addicted Rantings hears this he walks out of the room....

It was Christmas 1999.

It was my first Christmas alone, I had been back at work for a few months since Michael past and it was in everyone's opinion that I should get a dog to keep me company. A friend at work's husband was a big wig in the precinct that covered my neighborhood so all his cop friends would look out for me. They too would tell me to get a dog, I'd feel a lot safer.

So getting back to my infamous tale. It was Christmas eve 1999 and we had no one around at work so we decided to take a long lunch hour and visit the local animal shelter. I wasn't an animal person back then, I was too concerned with how clean the house was to ever let any four legged possibly muddy, smelly and fur shedding thing into my living quarters, but to only humor my coworker/friends I went along. None of the dogs interested me. I was ready to leave when the girl at the rescue said she had one dog left but she wasn't ready for adoption, she didn't get along well with anyone and was very scared, she was as she said "unadoptable"... They had her separated in the "house". Ok, I figured I'll take a look at this pathetic creature...

It was snowing and out she walked, head down, tail between her legs, the saddest looking site I'd ever seen. I started to cry and said yes I'll take her, she's meant to be mine.

I went back to work and and at 5:00 I went off to the shelter alone to pick her up. I asked what to do with her? I hadn't a clue....they simply said put her in the car and take her home.

She walked into the house and instantly pooped, she looked terrified as if this was going to be the end for her. I told her it was ok and that I was terrified too. We called my deceased husband's best friend to come over and the three of us fell asleep together that night in the living room.

Eventually I learned how to be a dog owner, although I think I put her through a lot when I first got her. She became my everything, I was lonely and sad and she was not the type of dog to handle all my neediness. I am the only dog owner who would have to beg her dog to come up on the bed. I also later decided to quit my job and go back to school which meant that Jasmine and I spent a lot a lot of time together....I think too much for my poor Jas...

Jasmine set her own boundaries with me and I respect her for that. If I cry, and I did do that often, she will lay by my side. She will never let me be sad alone. Other than that she likes her space.

Mr. Addicted Rantings knew how to win my heart and that was to win over Jasmine. He bought a bone with him to our second date. She fell in love and so did I.

Jasmine is now really Mr. Addicted Ranting's dog although I know she loves me. She's been my angel. She's an old girl now just like her mom. I believe she was sent to me from heaven. She was a Christmas Miracle.

Merry F'n Christmas

2008-12-25T10:13:00.014-05:00

I'm angry. The pain that I feel is so intense that I have no good feelings inside me now. I've seen life at it's ugliest and most painful and that is what is filling up my soul this Christmas.

Michael died 9 years ago and I know there are so many out there who are not sympathetic and who think in their cold hearts that I should be past this now.

To those I say only this...I envy you that you are incapable of feeling this pain. Grief knows no time, it doesn't know it didn't happen yesterday, it comes and goes and sometimes it comes on so strong it tears into your soul.

I remember sitting at a widows support group and we were all newly widowed and looked like the walking dead. A woman walks in and she wasn't familiar. She cried and cried and then she told us that her husband past away years ago. I remember thinking shit, it's never going to end.

Christmas was his favorite holiday. We would put aside most of our money and we would wrap so many presents and fill up the Jeep and go to his mom's house and then later off to his aunt's house. Little children would be all dressed in red and there would be a Santa and lots of food, it was straight out of a Christmas card. Christmas morning we would wake up early like we were little kids and unwrap all our presents.

I remember decorating the tree and trying so hard to be normal, we had the fireplace lit and we had on our Santa hats but he had very little hair left, and he was so thin and gaunt, but we tried to smile anyway and his mother kept taking pictures and all I could think of is I don't want this memory, stop taking the damn pictures!!!

Later that night he couldn't breathe and I had to call the ambulance which I had done so many times but this time this memory stands out... the cops got there first and they couldn't even look at him, they waited in the dining room not looking at him... until the ambulance arrived. That was his last Christmas.

I am no longer newly widowed, I am remarried. I am not expected to be feeling this way. I don't have the sympathy that was there for me the years following his death. I don't get the phone calls and no one is there to take care of me to get me through this hard time.

It was years ago and life is supposed to go on. So I am alone, no calls from his family or friends to make sure I'm ok.

My family and friends have no idea what goes on inside me....they have no idea....and if I were to tell them they wouldn't understand.

It's been 9 years they would say.

PMS ~Pardon My Suffering

2008-12-21T15:33:00.003-05:00

As I am getting older my lady time (as Ray calls it on Everybody Loves Raymond) seems to be getting more and more painful....

Yet I am proud to say that during this very difficult week I have managed to smile my way through a ton of holiday parties.

In the midst of my craziness I found myself driving home from work the other day cursing my husband non stop because I felt I was being forced to attend his boss' Christmas party~ I hated him so much I called him every name and fantasized about hurting him in many ways only to have him come home, ignore my mood and be his most lovable adorable self.

I am grateful this week for the babydoll top being in style, for my jeans with stretch in them, for my one pair of comfy black pants that no one noticed I wore almost daily to work and most of all, I am grateful for my very understanding wonderful loving husband for learning how to live with me in spite of my mood swings and my big ugly comfy sweats!!!

Addicted Rantings - 30 reasons why I love you

2008-12-13T07:55:00.004-05:00

1. You are very handsome

2. You make me laugh

3. You are the least smelliest man I ever met

4. You are the least hairiest man I ever met

5. You love animals

6. You pretend you don't notice when I put on weight

7. You hate George Bush and you love Obama

8. You are kind to everyone

9. You have a very big heart, too big sometimes

10. You love my mom

11. You live with 14 pets (who else would live with me?)

12. You let me have pictures of Michael in the house

13. You would visit Michael's grave with me and genuinely feel sad

14. You tell me I'm pretty all the time

15. Everyone loves you, you are very lovable

16. I can depend on you if something really bad happens (however if something small happens, you fall apart~)

17. You have a very sexy voice

18. You are very sexy

19. You don't get angry when I give you wrong directions

20. You know every Seinfeld episode by heart and you understand all my Seinfeld references

21. You say you're shy but you are a ham and it's very cute

22. You want me to say you are good in bed (I know you do) so you're absolutely the most amazing sex I've ever had.

23. You would've wanted me to put #22 as #1

24. You can cry and be friends with gay men because you have no hangups regarding your manhood.

25. You are smarter than you know

26. You have a gift of being compassionate and people know you are genuine in your caring

27. You catch bugs and put them outside instead of killing them

28. You won my heart over by bringing my dog a bone on our second date

29. You are a homebody like me

30. You make me feel loved

Life

2008-12-09T19:34:00.006-05:00

Today I heard a lot of very sad stories. I don't know if this is an AA saying or what but I try to think about this when I'm feeling down...if everyone threw their problems into a pile I would probably choose to take back my own.

My friends are having some hard times and my heart goes out to them. I've been given a good dose of perspective. Sure I'm terrified of losing my job but today I am employed. My husband is an addict but he's in recovery. My parents are alive and although they have their ailments, nothing is life threatening. Money is tight, but we have a roof over our heads.

I have a lot to be grateful for, although I wish it didn't take hearing my dear friends problems to make me less self absorbed.

I guess that is a character defect that I will have to work on.

There was a time in my life that I was very aware that a future as I knew it wouldn't exist. We lived without that sense of tomorrow...we lived with the word "terminal"...it's a strange way to live, very hurtful yet it forces you to stay in the present and take from life all the joy you possibly can.

Life is hard, no doubt...hard for all of us. Hard especially for some of my friends...although they are my inspiration because for the most part they seem to hold it together a hell of a lot better than I do.

Job Anxiety

2008-11-21T17:21:00.003-05:00

I'm having a hard time at work right now. I went to the doctor this afternoon because last night I had an anxiety attack, that or just deep depression mixed with great dread.

The doctor was so understanding that it almost added to my anxiety. It seems I'm not the only one running to him these days with the same story. Layoffs at work seem to be sending many of us to see our doctors these days.

I'm still hanging on to my job but its becoming harder to hide my desparation. We've all become about becoming indespensible. Quite alot of pressure Monday through Friday.

I miss the days of bitching about not having a long enough lunch hour or not having a big enough cubicle. Now I'm grateful they let me in the doors each morning.

I know this is not something the wife of an addict should say but sometimes there is better living through chemistry. Yoga, meditation, it's not going to get me through this...sorry, I can't practice what I preach. All I can think right now is let the medication kick in~

Shake ur Booty

2008-11-18T22:58:00.004-05:00

Something got into me this morning. I usually put on the news on the way to work but this morning was different. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for some coffee and a group of men actually flirted with me as I walked in.

Not to toot my own horn but when I was younger this used to happen all the time. I am tall (that hasn't changed) I was skinny (that unfortunately has changed) and I'm blonde.

Since my 40th birthday I've become almost invisible to men. Not that I mind this too much, their stupid comments I've learned to live without. However, I've been feeling down about myself lately. I had money saved up for my 45th birthday for a facelift, I'm a firm believer (literally) in the power of plastic surgery. However, the money is long gone (I am married to an addict) and the lines on my face aren't going anywhere.

So this morning I got a second glance from a group of stupid old men (I live in Florida) and it made my day. I got back in the car, turned on the stereo and danced (thank g-d for the tinted windows) to "shake your booty"~

Feeling Groovy

2008-11-17T18:17:00.003-05:00

My recovering addict husband is doing well.

I mean really well. I'm sure he still struggles daily with his addiciton but for the most part he seems to be ~dare I say~HAPPY??

Never in my wildest imagination would I have ever thought things would turn out so good.

Life is far from perfect, we have our issues just like everyone else. Financially we are living very tight on a budget, my job is not very secure with layoffs occuring almost weekly now, I'm 10 pounds overweight (but still a size 4 on a good day, although the size 4 is a bit tight, ok I'm squeezing myself into the size 4 and I am in pain all day but I'm not going up to a size 6 just yet), my cat still has horrible digestive problems causing him to leak poop out of his butt at random times (mostly while he sitting on my lap)....but all in all things are good.

Hubby is employed for almost a year straight. I think that is a record~ and he's happy at work. I don't have to hear how he's out to get this one or that one because he doesn't like him or her...my panic attacks are almost nonexistent throughout my workday now.

Hubby is still very neurotic but at least he recognizes it and doesn't think his neurosis are justified. The woman eating popcorn at the movie theatre didn't ruin my Sunday, nor did the fact that strange people were food shopping at Walmart.

His clothes seem to make it into the laundry these days as opposed to accumulating all over the couch and floor. And if I do clean out his closet as I did last weekend he didn't complain it wasn't up to his standards.

He is living on a budget and not blaming me that there is no money for him to buy the clothes he thinks he should have or the dinner out he feels entitled to or the designer crap that he never needed nor could afford in the past. Doesn't everyone who drives a 10 year old truck need a Mont Blanc pen?? Have that argument if you want to lose your mind!

I think I believe 99% of what comes out of his mouth....this time last year I would say it was closer to 10% on a good day.

Living with an addict has been crazy and whats crazier is how many times I've been called crazy.
He still seems to manage to call me crazy...I don't know what's up with this other than only a crazy person stays married to an addict even if it does turn out ok.

But today...life I love you, all is groovy!

A Beautiful Cemetery on an Old Hill

2008-11-15T13:15:00.013-05:00

After Great Pain, A Formal Feeling Comes

After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Toombs
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought
A Wooden wayRegardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone

This is the Hour of Lead
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow
First Chill
then Stupor
then the letting go

Emily Dickinson

This is the cemetery where Michael is buried. It's a beautiful cemetery on an old hill in the town where we lived. I don't know why but there are times in my life that I go right back into my grief as though it happened only yesterday.

I found this poem yesterday in a box where I keep a few of Michael's things. He did an essay on this poem when he was in college. It blows my mind that he wrote a paper on suffering and grief.

Life to me seems not to happen at all in a linear fashion but more like an overlapping of time. One day an 18 year old is writing about a poem about grief that so many years later his widow pulls from a box while she is crying.

I believe it's a message. I know his soul goes on. I know he is with me and I know he needed me to read this.

up in smoke

2008-11-14T18:45:00.002-05:00

Last year at this time my husband was in rehab. I was home and a mess. Everything was going wrong, home alone to take care of everything and I had taken a transfer and ended up working for an insane woman.

But each night I would come home from work and grab the phone and head outside for a night of talking, crying and SMOKING.

Living in Florida it was especially comforting to sit outside on a beautiful November evening and light up a cigarette. I could sit outside in my backyard overlooking the lake and puff away for hours.

I have spent so many hours in my lifetime exactly the same way. When my first husband was sick I'd sit outside on the porch and smoke, when this husband left me in NY on my own I'd sit outside with my friend at night and smoke.

In a very sick way I guess I miss this habit. Not so much the smoking. I have never become addicted to anything and believe me I've abused enough substances in my lifetime and never had a craving. But the misery, the drama, the sadness that went along with the smoking I miss! I think I've gone crazy but it all became such a big part of my identity, this is how I comforted myself and I miss that nurturing part of me.

I know there are many more healthy ways to nuture myself, and I know that not having misery and drama in my life is supposed to be a good thing. But in truth I want to run to the nearest gas station and buy me a pack of smokes.

Drama-less

2008-11-08T11:20:00.012-05:00

I get a drama-free day!

My husband is at work.

The dogs are laying on the patio sunning themselves, the cats are napping and the birds are on their swings. We are all peaceful.

My husband is constant drama. It upsets me because he doesn't see how lucky he is. Even when everything is going his way he still is miserable.

It really upsets me because I don't understand how someone who is blessed to have gotten a promotion at work while others are getting laid off would have the nerve to complain, but he wouldn't be him if he didn't find something to feel bad about. What would he do with his time if he couldn't feel bad about himself?

I look at what we do have and feel fortunate. It upsets him when I tell him that he should appreciate his blessings because there are those who are ill, or unemployed or are losing their homes. He feels that his feelings are valid even if I don't think they compare to those that I think are truly suffering. We see things very differently this way.

I don't think he gets the whole gratitude thing, he thinks he does, but I have to say he doesn't.

I can't change him. I just have to learn how to not want to smother him to death when he starts with his wo-is-me attitude.

2 more hours he will be home from work and the misery begins!!! Oh joy~

Home is where the dog is

2008-11-03T20:36:00.006-05:00

I like this. Sometimes life feels real hard and real sad.

But at the end of the day I get to come home to 3 of the cutest most wonderful silly dogs in the world.

My dog Bella does the strangest thing and wraps herself up in a blanket like a crepe, covering every inch of her, even her head.

Since I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life right now I think I'm going to go get under the covers and hide from the world Bella-style. I think it will feel nice.

SURREAL - 1 YEAR MEDALLION

2008-11-01T11:55:00.008-04:00

having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic:

I'm holding it in my hand. The 1 year medallion. It doesn't seem real. Time feels warped, as though I'm sitting here today listening to my husband's sponser speak and at the same time I'm sitting in a room a year ago listening to him speak. I'm coexisting in two places in time.

The first time I met "A" (my husband's sponsor) I was in a desparate way. My husband had completed rehab and detox and although he wasn't using he was still very much an addict.

Sometimes in life I believe that G-d is working his/her small miracles. "A" wasn't supposed to speak that day, I wasn't supposed to go with my husband that day. And yet it all fell into place like it was meant to happen.

My plan was to ask the counselors for help. They didn't offer me any. They simply said to kick him out. They offered for me to sit in on the meeting.

"A" spoke. I listened and for the first time I felt hope. Before "A" left he handed me his card and told me he would be my husband's sponsor if he was interested.

Last night as I listened to "A" speak I was in two places at one time. I could hear his words as though it was a year ago, when I was at such a point of despair. And I could hear his words one year later and in my hand I am holding my husband's one year medallion.

Surreal.

~

Mrs. Addicted Rantings

2008-10-28T18:12:00.006-04:00

I am married to a very wonderful man.
Sometimes.

This weekend I wanted to divorce him. When I told him this he said fine, he'll do whatever I want. (If only he felt like that about other things maybe I wouldn't have gotten to this point). After a few crazy rantings of my own he finally left the house.

I sat down and blogged. I titled the blog "divorce". It felt good to get it all out.

Only the next day I woke up and I couldn't even remember why I hated him so much the day before.

Sometimes my husband calls me crazy. I hate this. But I think I may have to agree with him regarding my behavior this weekend.

I lost it. I think being in this state of recovery can sometimes be just as difficult as living in his addiction. At least then I was in a wonderful state of denial. Now I have to learn how to live without trying to control someone who seems to forever NOT do the things I think he should be doing.

So I woke up the next day and deleted the blog. I almost wish I hadn't because I want to remember how I felt that day. There must've been some justification for my outrageous meltdown.

So today, a few days later we are happy couple again. All is forgotten, the only reminder being the sore throat from the half a pack of cigarettes I went through while sitting outside crying over the thought of being ex-Mrs. Addicted Rantings.

Walking the Dog

2008-10-14T18:06:00.002-04:00

Tonight I didn't want to be around my husband. He gets in these moods that can depress children at Disney Land.

What a downer he is. I want to punch him, kick him, basically hurt him real bad because after a long day at work I should be able to come home and be happy.

The reason for his unhappiness is not what I choose to write about tonight. I'm tired of figuring out what makes him happy and what little thing I may (or someone else) may have done to justify his foul mood.

So tonight I took my dog for a walk. What a wonderful creature she is. Just happy to be with her mom. She gets on what I call her happy feet, where she practically prances down the block. I recommend this to all codies who are blessed to have a dog. Leave the house, go outside and just be happy~

A picture from my front door

2008-10-11T12:50:00.008-04:00

My husband's addiction is the reason we moved.

We always spoke about moving down to Florida but I don't think we would've actually had made the move.

We aren't exactly the type of people who make things happen.

Life kind of happens to us.

Now we are here for two years and we made a pretty nice home for ourselves. I never would've thought it was possible. I am very grateful.

Expectations One Year Later

2008-10-08T18:57:00.011-04:00

I want an end to addiction/codependency. I want to put it in a box, close it up and hide it away. Preferrably in a dark corner where we'll never find it.

365 days ago, at 10pm I drove my husband to detox. I thought that would be it, he'd come home all better, all cured and I could pack up that box and put it all away.

Next came rehab. Well surely this will do the trick. 30 more days should cure him. He'd come home all better, all cured and I could pack up that box and put it all behind us.

Al-anon would make it all better. I'd go and cry and complain and the people in the room would all have these great suggestions and I would go home and try them all out and we'd both be cured and the box would be ready to be packed and hid in the corner.

AA would definitely cure it. He'd go to a meeting here and there and the words would just sink in and change him for sure, thus changing me because my problems were really only there because he was sick.

A sponsor, I heard he needed a sponsor. That would do it for sure. And an angel appeared to me....seriously, this is almost how it happened. I will have to blog about this divine intervention. A (his sponsor) even looks like an angel. Much to my husband's frustration, he get's tired of hearing how handsome his sponsor is, even from other men!! it's so distracting....anyway, what was I talking about???

Expectations....I've had alot of expectations this year, only to be let down most of the times and unexpectantly pleased at other times.

I think the box won't get put away for some time. A year may have seemed reasonable to put this all behind us a year ago, but today he is sober, working his program, being sometimes wonderful, sometimes still an asshole...so today, a year later is like any other day for us recovering addicts and codependents, still too soon to put this all behind us, to put it in a box and to hide it away~

I want my mom

2008-10-03T18:49:00.009-04:00

I want my mom. If anything ever happened to her I would want to die. I don't know how anyone survives without their mom.

It's ironic for me because I didn't have her for most of my life. She wasn't there for me but I never let myself believe it. In my head I always kept her with me. I never let her go even when she didn't want me around. She says I used to hold on to her legs when I was a child. What a vision.

I was afraid to go to school because what if she wasn't there when I got home? This was not all in my imagination as a child. I think that when I was young she wasn't so sure if she wanted to be a mom.

My parents were far from being the best parents. But while my sister let go of the illusion that they wanted us, I held on very tightly. I wrapped myself around her legs for G-d's sake.

Today my parents are wonderful people. They have their faults but they love me and are there for me and I feel secure knowing this. They really proved themselves when my husband went to rehab. They have been my rock. I admire the people they have become. I love them very much.

But I'm afraid that I still haven't learned to be ok without holding on very tightly to those that I love. I hold on for such dear life afraid to let go or I would die.

I know if anything happened to her I wouldn't want to be here on this earth. I need her. I need her more than I'll let her know because I'm afraid that if she knows that I am still that needy child ~she may decide to let go and then surely

~ I will die.

October- The beginning of the end

2008-10-01T18:51:00.004-04:00

October.

I miss my home in New York. I miss the falling leaves.

In Florida time goes by without really noticing another year has passed.

It's like time just keeps going by unnoticed.

Now I need a calendar to know what month it is.

I no longer feel it in my soul the way I used to feel Spring,

Summer,

Fall

and Winter.

My husband is one year sober in October.

I wish I could mark it with the falling of the leaves.

The beginning of the end....in all it's beautiful glory.

~

Letting him find his own way

2008-09-27T11:12:00.006-04:00

I want to walk with my husband in his shoes....I want to play a role in his every decision to make sure he makes what I consider to be the right ones, I want to protect him from his self destructive behavior.

I am having a hard time changing the way I think and behave.

It's always more comfortable doing what we know even if it brings us pain. Change is hard.

I am grateful in a strange way for my husband being an addict because his recovery has pushed me into doing my own self discovery.

My codependency is something I have to learn to let go of. I have to learn to let go of what my husband does and let him live his own life. This is his journey and I don't know why I thought I wasn't just along for the ride, I was driving.

I know part of that stems from the fact that an addict can be very irresponsible, so as a spouse I felt I needed to take over or we would both fall apart.

I've learned now that by playing that role I didn't help either of us....addiction is strange as it seems to go against what I know regarding taking care of someone.

To take care of an addict I need to let go, as I hear over and over again in Al-anon I need to learn to detach.

Now I need to learn to let go of all that I thought was right and learn a new way to live.

I trust the big book, I trust Al-anon, so I'm going to give it a try. I don't know if I can do it~ I already have the urge to tell him what I think he needs to do today....

Toadly Insane

2008-09-20T12:02:00.002-04:00

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Or in my case which came first, being married to an addict or acting crazy?

Was I crazy before I chose this very dysfunctional man to share my life with or did all his addict behavior make me insane?

I know I was a relatively healthy individual in my first marriage. My "saintly" first husband was happy and easy going. Sure we had some problems, I guess, I think a symptom of widowhood is that we get amnesia to anything that may have been negative and only remember all the wonderful things about our deceased spouse.

But honestly I don't remember needing antidepressants, or anxiety meds to get me through the day. I don't remember yelling names at him and having fantasies of wanting to kill him. I don't remember sharing my home with 14 animals~ I don't remember living in a house that is half painted on the inside and out. I don't remember worrying about living paycheck to paycheck even though we were in our twenties and not the mature age of being in our forties. I don't remember waking up in the morning afraid that he would find a list of things to blame me for. I don't remember being afraid that his behavior seems just a bit off, his eyes seem a little red, or he is slurring his words.

So this morning I was afraid. He was acting very moody and my defenses start to kick in. It's been 7 years and it's a habit that dies hard. So I started to act as he would say "crazy"....oh and he did say it, over and over again, he told me how crazy I am.

I hate him for that. I hate him because if I am the way I am now I blame him. He doesn't see how absolutely terrified I am of him using again, or even if he doesn't use he still can be capable of being the same asshole he was when he was using. I don't want that asshole back in my life. I want him away because I truly fear that if I have to go through this addict shit again I will become certifiably nuts.

I HEAR YOU~

2008-09-14T12:11:00.008-04:00

I think my husband has gone deaf.

He tells me he hears me but I don't think so.

I can understand how this happened. You see, his mom, she's well, she's sortof, well, she's very LOUD.

I sometimes have to walk out of the room if he puts her on speakerphone when she calls. She's not only loud but she also tends to repeat herself.

She likes to tell you a story and then she'll tell you about how she bumped into so and so and told her the story. Except she actually tells you the conversation they had, hence, repeating the story.

Then it gets even better because when you see her she'll forget she already told you the story and feel the need to tell it again. We actually make bets on this in the car on the way to her house.

So I can't blame the man for losing the ability to hear.

I have to give it to him for coming up with a way to deal with it....

He says "I hear you" .... although he's actually heard nothing at all. Hoping against all hope that the speaker will feel she got her point across and will actually stop talking.

The problem I have is that how do I get him to listen to me?

I used to fall for the "I hear you" response. He's quick with it. I see the blank stare in his eyes but he says he hears me so I have to assume he has. Sometimes I think I should repeat myself but that only gets him upset and then I get the "I HEARD YOU!!!" response. Oh, and when it's followed by my first name I know I've pushed him too far.

However, a week after asking him to pick up his shirt off the living room chair, or pay the bill or call the insurance company, when I try to remind him, he takes me by complete surprise with "I didn't hear you".

Blue Moon

2008-09-10T19:59:00.018-04:00

I only want to say

That if there is a way

I want my baby back with me'cause he's my true love

My only one don't you see?

When my first husband died I went and stayed at a hotel on the beach in Florida. Back then my sister and I were close and she would always lend me CDs to listen to. While my husband was sick I couldn't listen to music. It seems this isn't so unusual because my fellow grievers in my support group would also talk about this. Listening to music was like being in the world of the living.

My sister gave me the Cowboy Junkys, The Trinity Session. The CD stayed in it's case for so long, collecting dust with all the others. When I first heard it I was on the plane to Florida. I would then sit on the beach and I would listen to Blue Moon over and over and over again.

I spent many years angry at my second husband for being sad, for not wanting to live. How could he not appreciate the very fact that he could get up in the morning, that he was healthy? It was easy for me to be angry with him, this way I wouldn't feel all the guilt I felt for loving him.

What I didn't know for a long time was that he was also sick, he had a disease. Addiction is a serious disease and instead of being supportive I was angry and unsympathetic and for this I am sincerely sorry.

So now he's in recovery and doing amazing. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful husband. Most days I can accept this wonderful life that I now have.

I know now how precious these days are with my husband, I know this disease can take over, I know addiction can make me a widow
again.

I kept him too tightly by my side

And then one sad day

He went away and he died

Mr. Fucken Miserable

2008-09-08T20:40:00.010-04:00

AKA Mr. Loving Recovering.

"Good morning honey" to which he replied "Today is going to be a miserable fucken day"....

12 months ago this was my life. This may even have been considered cheerful for him back then.

I don't know how I did it. I do know how much I hate the cheerleader that I was. I would try so hard to make him happy. It was exhausting. It was pathetic. I was pathetic.

This I vow to myself....never, ever ever ever again will I put back on my pom poms and do the codependant cheer. If ever again he chooses to be Mr. Fucken Miserable, he will be Mr. Fucken Alone!!!

Well, there is a happy ending to this story. Mr. Fucken Miserable is in recovery and doing well. So well in fact that he heard himself say that today was going to be fucken miserable and shocked himself with his self fuflilling prophesy. He was able to turn it all around and today instead of being fucken miserable, he had a pretty fucken awesome day~

The Junky's Pitbull

2008-09-06T08:44:00.006-04:00

Today we are getting our 14th pet.

Apparently a crack addict became homeless and consequently an innocent dog lost her home as well.

She suffered all the indignities that come with being homeless. Lack of good nutrition, no baths, no medical care, she became a sad sight.

Today I am praying to G-d that when we try to integrate her into my crew of 2 dogs, 4 cats and 7 birds she is able to get along.

Because if we pull this off today, she will no longer be homeless, she will however be living with an addict, one in recovery.

They just don't get it!

2008-09-04T19:44:00.010-04:00

Last weekend my husband's parents called to invite us out to dinner. Actually it felt more like a demand than an invite. You see they feel 'everyone' must celebrate their anniversary. They celebrate over an entire week, making sure everyone gets a chance to congratulate them appropriately.

So there we were out to dinner and it comes out in conversation that holy shit, it's been almost a whole year that my wonderful amazing husband has been sober. Well, I guess this strikes some chord in them because any mention of my husbands addiction seems to bring about this cold icy feeling from his parents. I start to shiver.

My husband's addiction,the "A" word, you see is an embarassment for his parents. I think my husband (and therefore myself) is an embarassment for them and my feeling is this is what gave him his great sense of low self esteem. I mention that it would be great to celebrate his one year anniversary. No reaction! Well, I wouldn't say 'no reaction' because I started to feel the cold wind blowing across the table. I was speaking the "A" word and in public yet!!!

There we were celebrating their wedding anniversary with the two most miserably married people I have ever met and they couldn't even give us ..............I don't know what but give us something, perhaps a nod, a smile, some acknowledgement that there is another anniversary worthy of celebrating. What I want to say to them is "Fuck you both". What I do is move on to another subject feeling hurt and even more hurt for my husband.

I feel like they won, as if this is some kind of competition as to who makes the rules regarding the "A" word. I'm the type of person you can hurt many times and I'll just keep thinking you don't truly mean it. But I've talked this over with other people (because I don't have a lot of confidence in my own judgement) and they seem to think that his parents are well aware that they are hurting him. So because I don't have it in me to tell them how I feel, I'm blogging this and since they would never read this I am going to be real brave and say it here.

Your son is an Addict!!!

And he's proud to be in recovery~

And~

Fuck you both!!

You're a Good Man,

2008-08-30T20:23:00.006-04:00

A letter to my husband~

I've heard myself say this over and over and I've said it because I've always believed it. Why else would I have stayed with you through all the bad times if I didn't know that behind all the ugliness of your addiction that you were a good man.

I know I've called you every horrible name I could come up with, and you kind of made it easy to find things to say about you. You did some awful things, you made me doubt myself and my sanity. You took away a lot of my self esteem and faith in my own judgement. But I think I may be done making you pay. I think now I'm able to let go. I now know you have a disease. I now know that I wasn't crazy all those years. I wish I had the insight back then to listen to what others were telling me about al-anon because we wasted so much time.

My number one thing to be grateful for is you. I am head over heels in love with my husband, you are a good man~

Stars Fading But I Linger On Dear ~

2008-08-26T18:25:00.020-04:00

Our wedding song was 'Dream a Little Dream'.

Feeling a bit morbid today. This would've been our 13th wedding anniversary. Maybe it's the number 13, maybe it's because he's dead.

There was a time when I would take the day off from work, gather up all my wedding pictures, get cozy on the couch with a box of tissues, watch my wedding video and cry this unbelievable cry that I think my dog is scarred for life.

In the nine years since he's passed away I've learned this neat little trick where I keep all my emotions down in a place where I no longer go. The only time they seem to surface is when it gets too quiet, therefore I don't let it get too quiet ever, the tv stays on until I fall asleep.

In the pictures, we looked so young. It's crazy that he won't age...he will forever remain beautiful in that way we do in our twenties. What would he think of his wife now that she is middle aged? Is he angry at me that my life went on? Does he hate me for getting remarried? We used to think that we couldn't survive without eachother and I guess I let him down because I'm still here.

I started this blog to write about recovery from addiction, my 2nd husband's addiction to drugs and my addiction to him.

Just bad timing I guess....I've got other things on my mind.

And the tree was happy

2008-08-24T11:07:00.008-04:00

Michael 1969-1999

And when he died everyone told her how wonderful she was. So self-sacrificing. She did well. Everyone approved. She was held in such high regard. She was able to go to her grief support group and tell everyone she had no regrets. She never missed an appointment, slept dutifully by his side on the chair in the hospital, she understood very well this time was not about her, he needed her and she was there. She loved him, more than she loved herself, and she was happy.

Personal Growth

2008-08-24T09:04:00.007-04:00

Not quite ready to write anything down right now. Trying to deal with a resentment and having a hard time with it~

This personal growth stuff is hard. I think it would be much easier to go grab a cigarette and make a call to my mother so she can listen to me go on and on and tell me I'm right and the rest of the world is wrong. However, I'm trying very hard to take a different approach today.

Hopefully I will figure out a better way to deal with anger, as for now, I think I'll just go have a cigarette and make a call.