TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL ~ THAT IS THE QUESTION

OK, I was depressed, and stressed...there was a lot going on. Layoffs at work mostly was bothering me, daily life with an addict (even one in recovery) and there were family gatherings and flights to New York....It seemed I wasn't handling it all that great.

Along comes the magic anti-depressant pill!!!! Also in my book the anti-feeling pill, the anti-sex pill, the anti-will power pill...the eat all you possibly can shove in your face pill and then have no energy pill so your life consists of empty smiles and politeness, stress schmess, and a big fat belly that no longer fits into any pants in your wardrobe pill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aprroximately 5-10 pounds later....I quit taking the damn anti-depressant. I didn't tell anyone. Thought no one would notice.

So I've been a bit more difficult to work with~scaring my coworker just a tad the other morning. But I have been more fun to go to breakfast and lunch with...making my just a tad obese boss not feel too bad about himself while others are munching their celery sticks we were bonding over the cookies!!

OK, the fit of laughter watching two Woody Allen movies last week felt damn good, haven't laughed that hard since starting the anti-depressant, anti-feeling fucking pill.

On the other hand I hadn't cried so hard in a long while as I did while watching some more old movies, Missing, Prelude to a Kiss and the ending to Annie Hall.

Yesterday I screamed at Mr. Addicted Rantings because he crumpled up all the laundry. Mind you I'm sure all of you who are married would also be a bit enraged at a 40 year old's lack of skill when it comes to the art of folding your wifes clothes instead of balling them up on of all places the middle of the living room in a wrinkled uncaring mess. I screamed and screamed and screamed until I thought I would rupture something in my throat. I could have murdered my husband over laundry.

So Mr. Addicted Rantings now works as an adjunct therapist and speaking with all his coworker therapist types came to the brilliant conclusion it may not be about the laundry.

Heck no, it's about Christmas and death that really was getting to me...........laundry was just symbolic of the lack of control I have, the crumpled up mess in the middle of my life.

So Mr. Addicted Rantings has a cure for all this emotion. The amazing anti-Loving Recovering pill...the pill that turns me into a stepford wife.............happy with crumpled laundry and Christmas and death~

Denial is Better

Hey denial isn't so bad. Reality is what sucks.

So I am choosing to stick my head back in the sand and live life in the reality of my own choosing.

My husband's sponsor, my angel from heaven is perfect in every way. The same goes for his wife. I often say I don't envy anyone...I think this is a gift because I don't waste too much energy wanting what others have but when it comes to my husband's sponsor and his wife I am super envious.

In my version of reality they are perfect. They are my inspiration and strength and I need them to be who I want them to be. So I'm choosing to deny what is right in front of me and go on living my life without any fear because my husband's sponsor who is perfect will keep my husband sober.

I no longer need to be the typical codie who thinks it's all up to her to keep her husband sober, I've been given the gift of the "sponsor".....as long as he is perfect, life goes on the way I like it to go on.

Reality sucks. Reality is my husband's sponsor and his wife are human~not only are they human but they are Mr. addict and Mrs. codependent....this is not who I want them to be. They are supposed to be RECOVERED....addiction is not supposed to be an ongoing disease. My husband and his sponsor are supposed to be CURED in my denial world.

Back to reality world, my husband's sponsor used. He used, she went into denial and off they went into addict, codie world....

He used, he was using when I wrote my most beautiful post about him getting his three year medallion and giving my husband his one year medallion. He was using that day, that day I was sitting in my best state of denial, the one where there is a happy ending to all this addict crap.

He shit all over my fantasy.....

I'm staying put in my denial, my head is in the sand....each time Mr. Addicted Rantings wants to talk about what to do about getting a new sponsor I tell him to leave me out of this. This is not where I choose to go and I am very good, almost amazingly good and not going where I don't want to go in my head.....

We saw the sponsor and his wife for a pre holiday get together. They are wonderful, amazing, beautiful people and I still admire who they are. They didn't let me down, it's not about me....it's about this dreadful disease of addiction.

And the reality folks is that relapses do occur. Denial definitely beats that reality.

It was Christmas 1999

She's an old girl now.

I'm going to tell a story that my husband can no longer hear....it makes him cringe because I've told it to him so many times.

It begins like this and if Mr. Addicted Rantings hears this he walks out of the room....

It was Christmas 1999.

It was my first Christmas alone, I had been back at work for a few months since Michael past and it was in everyone's opinion that I should get a dog to keep me company. A friend at work's husband was a big wig in the precinct that covered my neighborhood so all his cop friends would look out for me. They too would tell me to get a dog, I'd feel a lot safer.

So getting back to my infamous tale. It was Christmas eve 1999 and we had no one around at work so we decided to take a long lunch hour and visit the local animal shelter. I wasn't an animal person back then, I was too concerned with how clean the house was to ever let any four legged possibly muddy, smelly and fur shedding thing into my living quarters, but to only humor my coworker/friends I went along. None of the dogs interested me. I was ready to leave when the girl at the rescue said she had one dog left but she wasn't ready for adoption, she didn't get along well with anyone and was very scared, she was as she said "unadoptable"... They had her separated in the "house". Ok, I figured I'll take a look at this pathetic creature...

It was snowing and out she walked, head down, tail between her legs, the saddest looking site I'd ever seen. I started to cry and said yes I'll take her, she's meant to be mine.

I went back to work and and at 5:00 I went off to the shelter alone to pick her up. I asked what to do with her? I hadn't a clue....they simply said put her in the car and take her home.

She walked into the house and instantly pooped, she looked terrified as if this was going to be the end for her. I told her it was ok and that I was terrified too. We called my deceased husband's best friend to come over and the three of us fell asleep together that night in the living room.

Eventually I learned how to be a dog owner, although I think I put her through a lot when I first got her. She became my everything, I was lonely and sad and she was not the type of dog to handle all my neediness. I am the only dog owner who would have to beg her dog to come up on the bed. I also later decided to quit my job and go back to school which meant that Jasmine and I spent a lot a lot of time together....I think too much for my poor Jas...

Jasmine set her own boundaries with me and I respect her for that. If I cry, and I did do that often, she will lay by my side. She will never let me be sad alone. Other than that she likes her space.

Mr. Addicted Rantings knew how to win my heart and that was to win over Jasmine. He bought a bone with him to our second date. She fell in love and so did I.

Jasmine is now really Mr. Addicted Ranting's dog although I know she loves me. She's been my angel. She's an old girl now just like her mom. I believe she was sent to me from heaven. She was a Christmas Miracle.

Merry F'n Christmas

I'm angry. The pain that I feel is so intense that I have no good feelings inside me now. I've seen life at it's ugliest and most painful and that is what is filling up my soul this Christmas.

Michael died 9 years ago and I know there are so many out there who are not sympathetic and who think in their cold hearts that I should be past this now.

To those I say only this...I envy you that you are incapable of feeling this pain. Grief knows no time, it doesn't know it didn't happen yesterday, it comes and goes and sometimes it comes on so strong it tears into your soul.

I remember sitting at a widows support group and we were all newly widowed and looked like the walking dead. A woman walks in and she wasn't familiar. She cried and cried and then she told us that her husband past away years ago. I remember thinking shit, it's never going to end.

Christmas was his favorite holiday. We would put aside most of our money and we would wrap so many presents and fill up the Jeep and go to his mom's house and then later off to his aunt's house. Little children would be all dressed in red and there would be a Santa and lots of food, it was straight out of a Christmas card. Christmas morning we would wake up early like we were little kids and unwrap all our presents.

I remember decorating the tree and trying so hard to be normal, we had the fireplace lit and we had on our Santa hats but he had very little hair left, and he was so thin and gaunt, but we tried to smile anyway and his mother kept taking pictures and all I could think of is I don't want this memory, stop taking the damn pictures!!!

Later that night he couldn't breathe and I had to call the ambulance which I had done so many times but this time this memory stands out... the cops got there first and they couldn't even look at him, they waited in the dining room not looking at him... until the ambulance arrived. That was his last Christmas.

I am no longer newly widowed, I am remarried. I am not expected to be feeling this way. I don't have the sympathy that was there for me the years following his death. I don't get the phone calls and no one is there to take care of me to get me through this hard time.

It was years ago and life is supposed to go on. So I am alone, no calls from his family or friends to make sure I'm ok.

My family and friends have no idea what goes on inside me....they have no idea....and if I were to tell them they wouldn't understand.

It's been 9 years they would say.

PMS ~Pardon My Suffering

As I am getting older my lady time (as Ray calls it on Everybody Loves Raymond) seems to be getting more and more painful....

Yet I am proud to say that during this very difficult week I have managed to smile my way through a ton of holiday parties.

In the midst of my craziness I found myself driving home from work the other day cursing my husband non stop because I felt I was being forced to attend his boss' Christmas party~ I hated him so much I called him every name and fantasized about hurting him in many ways only to have him come home, ignore my mood and be his most lovable adorable self.

I am grateful this week for the babydoll top being in style, for my jeans with stretch in them, for my one pair of comfy black pants that no one noticed I wore almost daily to work and most of all, I am grateful for my very understanding wonderful loving husband for learning how to live with me in spite of my mood swings and my big ugly comfy sweats!!!

Addicted Rantings - 30 reasons why I love you

1. You are very handsome

2. You make me laugh

3. You are the least smelliest man I ever met

4. You are the least hairiest man I ever met

5. You love animals

6. You pretend you don't notice when I put on weight

7. You hate George Bush and you love Obama

8. You are kind to everyone

9. You have a very big heart, too big sometimes

10. You love my mom

11. You live with 14 pets (who else would live with me?)

12. You let me have pictures of Michael in the house

13. You would visit Michael's grave with me and genuinely feel sad

14. You tell me I'm pretty all the time

15. Everyone loves you, you are very lovable

16. I can depend on you if something really bad happens (however if something small happens, you fall apart~)

17. You have a very sexy voice

18. You are very sexy

19. You don't get angry when I give you wrong directions

20. You know every Seinfeld episode by heart and you understand all my Seinfeld references

21. You say you're shy but you are a ham and it's very cute

22. You want me to say you are good in bed (I know you do) so you're absolutely the most amazing sex I've ever had.

23. You would've wanted me to put #22 as #1

24. You can cry and be friends with gay men because you have no hangups regarding your manhood.

25. You are smarter than you know

26. You have a gift of being compassionate and people know you are genuine in your caring

27. You catch bugs and put them outside instead of killing them

28. You won my heart over by bringing my dog a bone on our second date

29. You are a homebody like me

30. You make me feel loved

Life

Today I heard a lot of very sad stories. I don't know if this is an AA saying or what but I try to think about this when I'm feeling down...if everyone threw their problems into a pile I would probably choose to take back my own.

My friends are having some hard times and my heart goes out to them. I've been given a good dose of perspective. Sure I'm terrified of losing my job but today I am employed. My husband is an addict but he's in recovery. My parents are alive and although they have their ailments, nothing is life threatening. Money is tight, but we have a roof over our heads.

I have a lot to be grateful for, although I wish it didn't take hearing my dear friends problems to make me less self absorbed.

I guess that is a character defect that I will have to work on.

There was a time in my life that I was very aware that a future as I knew it wouldn't exist. We lived without that sense of tomorrow...we lived with the word "terminal"...it's a strange way to live, very hurtful yet it forces you to stay in the present and take from life all the joy you possibly can.

Life is hard, no doubt...hard for all of us. Hard especially for some of my friends...although they are my inspiration because for the most part they seem to hold it together a hell of a lot better than I do.