I want my mom

I want my mom. If anything ever happened to her I would want to die. I don't know how anyone survives without their mom.

It's ironic for me because I didn't have her for most of my life. She wasn't there for me but I never let myself believe it. In my head I always kept her with me. I never let her go even when she didn't want me around. She says I used to hold on to her legs when I was a child. What a vision.

I was afraid to go to school because what if she wasn't there when I got home? This was not all in my imagination as a child. I think that when I was young she wasn't so sure if she wanted to be a mom.

My parents were far from being the best parents. But while my sister let go of the illusion that they wanted us, I held on very tightly. I wrapped myself around her legs for G-d's sake.

Today my parents are wonderful people. They have their faults but they love me and are there for me and I feel secure knowing this. They really proved themselves when my husband went to rehab. They have been my rock. I admire the people they have become. I love them very much.

But I'm afraid that I still haven't learned to be ok without holding on very tightly to those that I love. I hold on for such dear life afraid to let go or I would die.

I know if anything happened to her I wouldn't want to be here on this earth. I need her. I need her more than I'll let her know because I'm afraid that if she knows that I am still that needy child ~she may decide to let go and then surely

~ I will die.

~