Monday, March 23, 2009

IHateYouVeryMuch ~ arguing with an addict


Above is the test message I just received from my husband.

Too bad strangling my husband is not an option...

Oh but wouldn't that be so much easier than trying to make my point to him without arguing.

Not that arguing is so awful. Arguing with an addict, albeit in recovery is useless. There is no winning, no matter how ridiculously wrong he is.

Tactics that I've become way too familiar with:

1. Lying. No matter how obvious, he will try this one. It's old habit by now. If he feels guilty about something, he will do his best to get out of it with a simple lie.

2. I'm overreacting. It doesn't matter how hurt I am by his actions, my reaction is out of proportion.

3. Attack. If defense isn't working he launches into attack mode. The best defense is always a good offense. I used to react to this, it makes me want to weep all the wasted energy I put into defending myself against the ridiculous accusations. I'm positive every codie recognized themselves in this one~

4. How dare I ruin his day, night, week, life...etc. He was having a good one until I bought up my dissapointment in him.

5. I'm crazy. When all else fails this is the one that used to work best to his advantage.

6. Manipulation. He hates me. Well, there was a time I couldn't stand the thought of this, but now I recognize it for what it is.

All I really want out of all this is for me to tell him what he has done that I find hurtful and for him to take ownership of his actions.

Here is a list of what I asked my husband to do today.

Pick up the dog meds at the vet
Bring in the birdcage that is thrown on the side of the house (a real eyesore)
Finish cleaning his closet (he attempted this yesterday but never finished)
Mow the lawn (It hasn't been mowed in weeks)

What he accomplished.....

None of the above.

So I'm hurt and dissapointed. He went to meet his sponsor, went to a meeting, then met with his sponsoree. All good things, however, I need him to take care of his own responsibilities. I take care of mine. A house does not run itself. Simple.

But what I got back was...

1. Lies...the vet couldn't put the meds together unless I called. LIE.

2. I don't do what I'm responsible for. I forgot that I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, washed the sheets, made the bed, cleaned the bird cages, cleaned the litter box, and paid the bills...including his credit card debt that he avoids~

3. Why are you doing this to me? I don't get this....it seems to me he does this to himself.

4. I work all week.....this is my absolute favorite. I don't even know how to respond I'm so amazed that this is an explanation anyone would come up with.

5. And finally, IHateYouVeryMuch.

6. I'm sure later I will be told I am crazy~ can't wait for him to get home tonight:) oh Joy, the good times ahead.

I thought this craziness ended with the end of the drug use. For the most part it had, but today it reared it's ugly head. He fucks up, he does his absolute best not to take responsibility.

So for now, IHateHimVeryMuch as well.....

6 comments:

AllisonRhodes said...

Whoa. I think I found a near-perfect description of what my life was like before my husband asked me to leave the house a month ago. I'll be coming by here regularly, and I feel for you. Allison

HeatherK. said...

You would think there was some sort of school somewhere where they learn it, how else do you explain it. My personal favorite is that I am the crazy one. My husband has gotten much better in the last 11 months, but it is oh so easy to fall back into old patterns, myself included. One day at a time, we are learning to work through those fights without resorting to the same old patterns, hope you two do too!

Mantramine said...

I know this well too, grr! Hope he smartened up fast (like they seem to do...)

Cat said...

Holy shit - You live with my husband?!

Seriously great post that managed to express exactly what my husband sometimes does - I have to admit he is getting better...

one day at a time...

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