Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Peace


I haven't posted in a long time.
My life has something new that I am learning to adjust to. Peace.
I feel like I've spent the last 13 years of my life in a constant state of panic. My mind never was quiet. NEVER. I'm amazed at this realization.
From the first moment I whispered the word Cancer, and I did whisper it, I couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud, my life became a whirlwind, never quiet, never peaceful, never still.
From that moment, the moment that I got a telephone call that my husband had a pain in his chest and drove himself to the emergency room, I have not been able to be in quiet. Noise became my comfort.
If it was noisy enough I was not able to go there. Go to the scary place in my head filled with all the fear of what was to come and filled today with all the fear that was. My memories are sometimes very ugly, Cancer is ugly.
Today I can somewhat tolerate quiet, it's getting easier.
My life has become quiet. No drama today, not lately. My memories of my first husband are still very painful, but I torture myself less. My second husband is sober and in recovery and doing amazingly well. Today.
I don't have to save anyone today.
It's quiet. And it's different, very different for a codie, and change don't come easy, but I think I like this.

2 comments:

Mary (MPJ) said...

I'm glad you're feeling at peace right now. I'm always amazed by how sometimes I don't even notice the noise until there's silence.

Indigo said...

I used to refer to those times of absolute fear and chaos as not being able to Breathe. These days I'm breathing easier, without struggle. I hope the quietude, the serenity continues to allow you to breathe easier dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo