I am married to a very wonderful man.
Sometimes.
This weekend I wanted to divorce him. When I told him this he said fine, he'll do whatever I want. (If only he felt like that about other things maybe I wouldn't have gotten to this point). After a few crazy rantings of my own he finally left the house.
I sat down and blogged. I titled the blog "divorce". It felt good to get it all out.
Only the next day I woke up and I couldn't even remember why I hated him so much the day before.
Sometimes my husband calls me crazy. I hate this. But I think I may have to agree with him regarding my behavior this weekend.
I lost it. I think being in this state of recovery can sometimes be just as difficult as living in his addiction. At least then I was in a wonderful state of denial. Now I have to learn how to live without trying to control someone who seems to forever NOT do the things I think he should be doing.
So I woke up the next day and deleted the blog. I almost wish I hadn't because I want to remember how I felt that day. There must've been some justification for my outrageous meltdown.
So today, a few days later we are happy couple again. All is forgotten, the only reminder being the sore throat from the half a pack of cigarettes I went through while sitting outside crying over the thought of being ex-Mrs. Addicted Rantings.
Sometimes.
This weekend I wanted to divorce him. When I told him this he said fine, he'll do whatever I want. (If only he felt like that about other things maybe I wouldn't have gotten to this point). After a few crazy rantings of my own he finally left the house.
I sat down and blogged. I titled the blog "divorce". It felt good to get it all out.
Only the next day I woke up and I couldn't even remember why I hated him so much the day before.
Sometimes my husband calls me crazy. I hate this. But I think I may have to agree with him regarding my behavior this weekend.
I lost it. I think being in this state of recovery can sometimes be just as difficult as living in his addiction. At least then I was in a wonderful state of denial. Now I have to learn how to live without trying to control someone who seems to forever NOT do the things I think he should be doing.
So I woke up the next day and deleted the blog. I almost wish I hadn't because I want to remember how I felt that day. There must've been some justification for my outrageous meltdown.
So today, a few days later we are happy couple again. All is forgotten, the only reminder being the sore throat from the half a pack of cigarettes I went through while sitting outside crying over the thought of being ex-Mrs. Addicted Rantings.
7 comments:
Mrs AR! I wish I could give you a hug (he'd like that, wouldn't he?). I write to clarify my thoughts and get that shit out of my head. So I'm sure writing helped you in some way, even if you don't have the words anymore.
"I think being in this state of recovery can sometimes be just as difficult as living in his addiction. At least then I was in a wonderful state of denial."
Oh, I am SO right there with you.
XOXO
Molls
I knew it!
Mrs. AR, I sometimes want to throw my hubby off a roof too. He can be a real pain in the butt.
and so can I.
We all get that way sometimes.
I'm glad he doesn't read my blog, although I've told him several times he should if he wants to.
aaah, so you are the mysterious mrs. ar... don't we all want to do that sometimes. just throw in the towel, give up, clean the slate and i mean, really clean the slate and start afresh. and then tomorrow happens, and the world looks completely different. sometimes doing nothing is also doing something. hugs and love!
Let me offer up my 2 cents...
this is marriage & this is the way it pretty much is.
So long as the good times outweigh-er-equal the bad I'm of the belief you stick it out.
Oh I understand that frustrating feeling a couplehood.The sadness of feeling so hurt you don't know how you could ever get past it.
But it sounds like you two did.
And I like the title of this post..
very appropriate :)
The "you're crazy" button was one my husband LOVED to push! It would make me well... crazy
I would spend the next 20 minutes talking to myself...crazy right.
It went something like this:
I'm crazy? I'm crazy? He's the crazy one!.
Calling me crazy!....
And if I am crazy HE MADE ME THIS WAY!.....
I'd like to see him deal with all the shit I have dealt with and put up with all that I have put up with from him and then see if he's crazy...
I must be crazy for putting up with him for this long!
Call me crazy I'll show him crazy..
And in the end I was acting like a crazy woman!.
I see now that it was his way to deflect the conversation, he would say that and then the argument wasn't about whatever we were arguing about anymore. It took the focus away from him and made me go off on a tangent, thereby forgetting why I was mad at him in the first place.
Once I figured that out, it was easier to not let it get to me, although he does still make me crazy sometimes! But it is less and less with each passing day that he is sober, which is a blessing.
I think I am with Lou on this - I got nothing better to ssay - she and the other commenters already said it.
Nice to read you.
Cat
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