I'm angry. The pain that I feel is so intense that I have no good feelings inside me now. I've seen life at it's ugliest and most painful and that is what is filling up my soul this Christmas.
Michael died 9 years ago and I know there are so many out there who are not sympathetic and who think in their cold hearts that I should be past this now.
To those I say only this...I envy you that you are incapable of feeling this pain. Grief knows no time, it doesn't know it didn't happen yesterday, it comes and goes and sometimes it comes on so strong it tears into your soul.
Michael died 9 years ago and I know there are so many out there who are not sympathetic and who think in their cold hearts that I should be past this now.
To those I say only this...I envy you that you are incapable of feeling this pain. Grief knows no time, it doesn't know it didn't happen yesterday, it comes and goes and sometimes it comes on so strong it tears into your soul.
I remember sitting at a widows support group and we were all newly widowed and looked like the walking dead. A woman walks in and she wasn't familiar. She cried and cried and then she told us that her husband past away years ago. I remember thinking shit, it's never going to end.
Christmas was his favorite holiday. We would put aside most of our money and we would wrap so many presents and fill up the Jeep and go to his mom's house and then later off to his aunt's house. Little children would be all dressed in red and there would be a Santa and lots of food, it was straight out of a Christmas card. Christmas morning we would wake up early like we were little kids and unwrap all our presents.
I remember decorating the tree and trying so hard to be normal, we had the fireplace lit and we had on our Santa hats but he had very little hair left, and he was so thin and gaunt, but we tried to smile anyway and his mother kept taking pictures and all I could think of is I don't want this memory, stop taking the damn pictures!!!
Later that night he couldn't breathe and I had to call the ambulance which I had done so many times but this time this memory stands out... the cops got there first and they couldn't even look at him, they waited in the dining room not looking at him... until the ambulance arrived. That was his last Christmas.
I am no longer newly widowed, I am remarried. I am not expected to be feeling this way. I don't have the sympathy that was there for me the years following his death. I don't get the phone calls and no one is there to take care of me to get me through this hard time.
It was years ago and life is supposed to go on. So I am alone, no calls from his family or friends to make sure I'm ok.
My family and friends have no idea what goes on inside me....they have no idea....and if I were to tell them they wouldn't understand.
It's been 9 years they would say.
I am no longer newly widowed, I am remarried. I am not expected to be feeling this way. I don't have the sympathy that was there for me the years following his death. I don't get the phone calls and no one is there to take care of me to get me through this hard time.
It was years ago and life is supposed to go on. So I am alone, no calls from his family or friends to make sure I'm ok.
My family and friends have no idea what goes on inside me....they have no idea....and if I were to tell them they wouldn't understand.
It's been 9 years they would say.
2 comments:
You're right that grief doesn't know time. I lost a husband too, eight years ago for me, and sometimes that pain is so fresh I feel like I should die.
I wouldn't wish that sort of grief on others, and I wish you healing this holiday season.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm wishing you a peaceful new year.
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