Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's all about recovery (him)

I know a lot of people may feel angered by this post. Perhaps if you are married to someone in recovery who has put you through a lot of shit during his using you may have some understanding of my current situation.

Life seems to have become all about him. The first year it was all new and it was all consuming for us both. Now I'm tired and I want some normalcy back in my life.

Yes he is an addict and AA does teach him it is "all about his recovery"....well where the hell do I fit in anymore. I want a husband, not someone who is "all about his recovery". I am finding it to be a very selfish existence on his part. And I guess he feels validated because that's what he is being constantly told. His sobriety comes first.

Where the hell do I fit in? It's all about his work and his computer and his meetings. We have one day a week to spend together and we have to do it "around" his meeting...which is at 12 pm....smack in the middle of the day. His selfish addictly behavior also has him wanting to rest after working all week, so mornings are out, and when he gets home from his meeting he needs to sit and eat and read and write on the computer.

He has lost all focus on the rest of our lives. He doesn't seem to give a damn about his house. We would live like trash if it wasn't for me and he doesn't even appreciate it. It's the entitled addictly behavior, everyone do for him....

I am so angry at him. I'm done living the life of married to an addict. I want a somewhat normal life. I want a partner who isn't all about himself.

So it's Sunday morning and he is still sleeping and when he wakes he will want to go on the computer and rest before he leaves at 11:30, only to appear again at 1:30 hungry wondering why there is no food in the house? Tomorrow on his day off (he works Tues-Saturday) he will also only think about himself, not about us...US....does he even remember there is an US?


Shadow said...

i hear a lot of what you're saying, yet i'm the one in recovery, not hubby. is it maybe a guy thing? hubby reckons he works all day, so after hours and weekends are relaxing time. to NOT DO ANYTHING. he say that's what he pays people for. so then he'll watch tv, ask for food when he's hungry, and take a ride on his bike for 'fresh air'. it may be my off time too, yet i still need to grocery shop and make meals... sound kinda familiar?

Molls said...

LR I totally relate to everything you're saying. I agree with Shadow, that some of that just sounds like typical guy crapola. But my man is all about his recovery too and it's hard not to get frustrated by that when I want to go to a movie instead of a meeting.
I hope you're finding your own AlAnon meetings. They make all the difference for me. I'd be a wreck without them.

Anonymous said...

I am living in the same situation and know EXACTlY how you feel.What do we do with these feelings?

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I can totally relate. There are a lot of times I feel really resentful about my husband's recovery work. I know the time he spends on recovery has made him a better partner and so benefits me too, but it sometimes feels like he has gone from spending all his time on addiction to spending all his time on recovery and it's the family unit that loses out no matter what.

Indigo said...

It took awhile to understand doesn't excuse it, by no means. Yet...sometimes I think our guys act differently with us because they can. They know we love them, they can be slobs, and literally let down whatever airs they carry with everyone else. In that safety they tend to take for granted the ease with which they feel with us. They forget so easily that nothing is a given, they need to work just as hard on their relationship as they do on their recovery. Because at the end of the day we are the biggest supporters they have.

I guess it comes down to the old addendum that we tend to take things out on those we love the most. Again no excuse...Is there any logic to how a guy may think, seriously. Just my humble opinion dear one. (Hugs)Indigo

Cat said...

I could have written this - seriously - I get you - I hear you I understand what you are saying and i am asking the same damn question!!