H0PE

hope, I hope with all my soul that my husband stays sober. Sobriety has been a long road but today he is in recovery. He is in recovery and doing remarkable. Someone recently told me that I am lucky to be married to an addict in recovery because they are always practicing how to become a better person, they have self awareness. I agree....

hope, there was a time I didn't have any. If anyone reads this post who is in the midst of addiction, know there is hope. My husband is living proof. However, I must always remember we live one day at a time. So today he is sober, today was good.

Thank you

Thank you Bill W. and Dr. Bob.

It is because of you that I have my husband back.

For anyone out there who may stumble across my blog, I want this to give you hope. My husband is a recovered drug addict/alcoholic. He should've been dead from all the things he did in the past. But he's here, laying in bed, annoying me because I want to start the day, but I'm grateful, he's here, he's in recovery and life is kind of good....

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Michael Thomas Esposito

April 30 1969

April 29 1999

IHateYouVeryMuch ~ arguing with an addict

Above is the test message I just received from my husband.

Too bad strangling my husband is not an option...

Oh but wouldn't that be so much easier than trying to make my point to him without arguing.

Not that arguing is so awful. Arguing with an addict, albeit in recovery is useless. There is no winning, no matter how ridiculously wrong he is.

Tactics that I've become way too familiar with:

1. Lying. No matter how obvious, he will try this one. It's old habit by now. If he feels guilty about something, he will do his best to get out of it with a simple lie.

2. I'm overreacting. It doesn't matter how hurt I am by his actions, my reaction is out of proportion.

3. Attack. If defense isn't working he launches into attack mode. The best defense is always a good offense. I used to react to this, it makes me want to weep all the wasted energy I put into defending myself against the ridiculous accusations. I'm positive every codie recognized themselves in this one~

4. How dare I ruin his day, night, week, life...etc. He was having a good one until I bought up my dissapointment in him.

5. I'm crazy. When all else fails this is the one that used to work best to his advantage.

6. Manipulation. He hates me. Well, there was a time I couldn't stand the thought of this, but now I recognize it for what it is.

All I really want out of all this is for me to tell him what he has done that I find hurtful and for him to take ownership of his actions.

Here is a list of what I asked my husband to do today.

Pick up the dog meds at the vet
Bring in the birdcage that is thrown on the side of the house (a real eyesore)
Finish cleaning his closet (he attempted this yesterday but never finished)
Mow the lawn (It hasn't been mowed in weeks)

What he accomplished.....

None of the above.

So I'm hurt and dissapointed. He went to meet his sponsor, went to a meeting, then met with his sponsoree. All good things, however, I need him to take care of his own responsibilities. I take care of mine. A house does not run itself. Simple.

But what I got back was...

1. Lies...the vet couldn't put the meds together unless I called. LIE.

2. I don't do what I'm responsible for. I forgot that I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, washed the sheets, made the bed, cleaned the bird cages, cleaned the litter box, and paid the bills...including his credit card debt that he avoids~

3. Why are you doing this to me? I don't get this....it seems to me he does this to himself.

4. I work all week.....this is my absolute favorite. I don't even know how to respond I'm so amazed that this is an explanation anyone would come up with.

5. And finally, IHateYouVeryMuch.

6. I'm sure later I will be told I am crazy~ can't wait for him to get home tonight:) oh Joy, the good times ahead.

I thought this craziness ended with the end of the drug use. For the most part it had, but today it reared it's ugly head. He fucks up, he does his absolute best not to take responsibility.

So for now, IHateHimVeryMuch as well.....

Peace

I haven't posted in a long time.

My life has something new that I am learning to adjust to. Peace.

I feel like I've spent the last 13 years of my life in a constant state of panic. My mind never was quiet. NEVER. I'm amazed at this realization.

From the first moment I whispered the word Cancer, and I did whisper it, I couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud, my life became a whirlwind, never quiet, never peaceful, never still.

From that moment, the moment that I got a telephone call that my husband had a pain in his chest and drove himself to the emergency room, I have not been able to be in quiet. Noise became my comfort.

If it was noisy enough I was not able to go there. Go to the scary place in my head filled with all the fear of what was to come and filled today with all the fear that was. My memories are sometimes very ugly, Cancer is ugly.

Today I can somewhat tolerate quiet, it's getting easier.

My life has become quiet. No drama today, not lately. My memories of my first husband are still very painful, but I torture myself less. My second husband is sober and in recovery and doing amazingly well. Today.

I don't have to save anyone today.

It's quiet. And it's different, very different for a codie, and change don't come easy, but I think I like this.

Do Blondes Have More Fun?

I had an appointment at 10am this morning to go from blonde to brunette. The appointment was cancelled because the colorist is sick but my very demanding friend inisisted she come in anyway to do our hair since we made the appointment a month ago....

So either the colorist will be there at 2 or perhaps I'll remain blonde for at least another day.

I'm not sure which scenerio I would like to play out.

I've been a blonde my entire life. When I was 19 the color started to come from a bottle.

I don't have any idea why I'm doing this except my friend and I have been talking about it forever and we just dialed the phone a month ago and made the appointment.

I think my main reason is that I don't want to look like a typical South Floridian, white hair, dark tan (usually accompanied by many wrinkles, with the focus being taken off by the large diamonds)....low cut blouse with lots of cleavage, lots of sparkle on every article of clothing and a big designer bag...seriously I hope I didn't offend anyone but go visit Town Square Mall in Boca one day if you don't believe me.

My friend laughs when I say this because I'm white as a ghost, a prude with the way I dress, I own one designer bag, but my rock (my engagement ring) isn't too shabby....hubby did well in that department, so I can kindof fit in without being laughed out of Saks.

It's time for a change. Hubby is excited because he get's to sleep with a brunette and not feel like he's cheating on his wife. Men!!

I have had a lot of fun in my life being blonde, but I'm confident my days of brunette ahead aren't going to be that uneventful~ who knows?

It's all about recovery (him)

I know a lot of people may feel angered by this post. Perhaps if you are married to someone in recovery who has put you through a lot of shit during his using you may have some understanding of my current situation.

Life seems to have become all about him. The first year it was all new and it was all consuming for us both. Now I'm tired and I want some normalcy back in my life.

Yes he is an addict and AA does teach him it is "all about his recovery"....well where the hell do I fit in anymore. I want a husband, not someone who is "all about his recovery". I am finding it to be a very selfish existence on his part. And I guess he feels validated because that's what he is being constantly told. His sobriety comes first.

Where the hell do I fit in? It's all about his work and his computer and his meetings. We have one day a week to spend together and we have to do it "around" his meeting...which is at 12 pm....smack in the middle of the day. His selfish addictly behavior also has him wanting to rest after working all week, so mornings are out, and when he gets home from his meeting he needs to sit and eat and read and write on the computer.

He has lost all focus on the rest of our lives. He doesn't seem to give a damn about his house. We would live like trash if it wasn't for me and he doesn't even appreciate it. It's the entitled addictly behavior, everyone do for him....

I am so angry at him. I'm done living the life of married to an addict. I want a somewhat normal life. I want a partner who isn't all about himself.

So it's Sunday morning and he is still sleeping and when he wakes he will want to go on the computer and rest before he leaves at 11:30, only to appear again at 1:30 hungry wondering why there is no food in the house? Tomorrow on his day off (he works Tues-Saturday) he will also only think about himself, not about us...US....does he even remember there is an US?